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Fall is finally upon us. Because of global warming, Colorado is more hot in the summer than you'd think. I know when I moved up here from the south, I wasn't expecting the heat to reach 90 degrees. It's a dry heat, but still. Hot as balls.

I finally get to see the trees turn colors again. It happened in the south, but not as dramatically as it happens up here. It's so beautiful to experience a true four season year. I mean, just driving down the neighborhoods and seeing all the trees, the leaves falling. *chef's kiss* Autumn is my favorite season. I'm sorta a basic bitch in that way. Call me White Girl Fall 2016, but I love a good pumpkin spice latte. I looove that Halloween is coming. I love, love, love the cool breeze and cuddling up in bed. Most importantly, my apartment won't be super hot (I do not have air conditioning!).

I think that fall means a lot to me because it's a transitional period. Not quite winter yet, but not as hot as summer. Autumn is, also, a bit more gloomy than spring. Winter is right around the corner, and autumn is there to welcome it. This is also the time Lady Persephone returns to the Underworld, to reunite with Her husband Lord Hades. I do not particularly worship Them as I do with the other Theoi, but it's a nice reminder that the Gods transition, too. Feels a lot more holy to me.

I myself am in a transitional period. It's been three months since I've broken up with my ex, and two months since I've moved into my new place. I haven't talked about it in depth, if I remember, but that relationship was very hard for me. I was a bad partner, but my ex was a worse partner. To this day, blames the fall of our relationship on me. They manipulated me into feeling less superior than them by the guise of "being more mature" (they are two years older than me). They put unrealistics expectations on me and was upset that I could never achieve them. I never felt like I could say no to them or else I would be met with arguement. They said they understood my disabilities and was actively upset when they were disabling to me. Once I tried to confront them about why they thought they were always right, and they responded by saying "because most of the time I am."

It wasn't until they told me they didn't want to "talk to me or be around me" that it clicked for me. Why was I still living with this person? If they obviously don't care for me, then why do I still care for them? I finally let them go. The next day they went back on their word, again, and told me they still wanted to talk about room mate stuff and was being friendly to me as if nothing happened. I had had enough. The next day I toured the apartment I live in now, and my lease was approved a week later. I finally, finally got out of such a negative environment.

Wasn't quite the end, though. I had agreed to remain in contact to finish up business with the apartment we shared and go back two days before our lease ended to clean up the place. Throughout a month of that wierd business relationship, they were not respectful of my time when I had to meet up with them for things. I got yelled at. They treated their debt to me like a debt over MY head. Had no regard for what I did with my money and got upset when I put myself first. The final straw for me was when they replied sarcastically to me in earnest when I was trying to tell them how a plan would play out after they agreed to it. I told them I was going no contact, to never contact me through themself or someone else, and that I will no longer be helpling them with anything about the old apartment. I blocked them, but three messages of them still came through. They think I'm hurt because they said they didn't want to be friends. I'm actually angry because they are not the fully healed person they claim they are and blamed everything on me, just like my mother.

I say all of that because I needed you to understand the context as to why this relationship was traumatizing for me. I'm not hung up on them not dating me anymore, I'm not hung up on them not being friends with me. I am still upset because I did not deserve that. I am still upset because that is the nature of trauma. I am actively processing this trauma in therapy to this day. I am not a partner, I am an equal. I was not treated as such.

Now that I'm on my own, I have rediscovered my worth. I will never let anyone treat me like that again. My friends have commented how I look so much more happy now that I no longer have them hanging over me. I truly cannot emphasize how healing it's been to be away from this person. I am still healing from my experience with this person.

I'm transitioning with the seasons. I'm transitioning into something better, something greater. Someone who loves itself unconditionally. Someone who understands its own disabilities and limits. Someone who knows itself. I am sure of myself, just as the thick snow that lay on the ground. I am my own end, and my end is my own.