~ My Gender, Explained~
So, I made a blog post about questioning if you're trans. But now I want to go over MY gender because it sounds fun.
So, I definetly know I want my body to be seen as "masculine." As I stated previously, I had intense physical dysphoria prior to my physical transition. I'm a whole lot happier now, and my dysphoria is, for the most part, gone. I knew I made it when I started simply being insecure about a lot of things cis men and the general population are insecure about instead of wanting to die because I don't look like myself. It's a bittersweet feeling.
That being said, I wouldn't say my gender is masculine in nature. I think I only hold onto any masculine energy simply because that's how I must move around the world we live in. I'm okay being called Joe, I'm okay being called by he/him pronouns, it's just kind of the territory. I feel like that's my... human persona. And if I must be appear to be human and I'm forced into the role, I'm okay with that.
But truth be told, I don't fully feel like that describes my gender. I know a majority of people don't seem to like it, but I kinda fuck with xenogenders. I used to think they were silly at first, but who am I to determine what gender really means. Like, I'm just some guy. If gender really is a made up concept to better enforce a patriarchal system, then why am I limiting myself to just that? An arguement I've seen against xenogender is that it's "setting the trans movement back" or "this is just used to help people dissociate from reality." People already think I'm "mentally ill" because I simply transitioned into the other "normal" patriarchal-enforced gender. So, why not just get a little weird with it? Like, what, people are just gunna hate me more? Okay!
So, I've decided to identify with a label I simply call "creaturegender." There's already definitions of this online if you look hard enough. Specifically, though, for me, this means I identify with an otherworldly creature. This creatue isn't quite sci-fi, isn't quite fantasy. In fact, you can't tell if its from another world or this one. Definetly a horrorgender. My gender is a scary creature you can't quite identify, but it is hellbent on destroying things. It's an "it," a being. All knowing? Not sentient? You're not sure. That's part of the scare.
I just don't feel fully human! And that affects how I view myself and consequently my gender. It could be because I'm auDHD, and that's how I've been treated my whole life. Maybe this is just a way for me to live out some sort of weird fantasy. Perhaps it's a way to dissociate from myself, and is only detrimental to my health. Who cares! I'm not doing anything wrong, nothing that hurts people, so I don't care.
I don't identify with the nonbinary label, interestingly. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but I think it's because nonbinary people want to be accepted as human because their experience doesn't mean they're not human. I don't nessecerily want to be accepted as human. I want to be an it. I want people to dehumanize me. It's almost like a reclaimation thing. You think I'm not human? Hell yeah! But that doesn't mean I'm nice and there isn't a time or place to dehumanize me. It's complicated in a way I cannot describe to you.
There's plenty of flags out there for creaturegender, but I like this one!
I'm thinking of adopting a new name and a set of neoprounouns as well. I think I want to add "Freak" as an alternative name, and a set of neo pronouns just for funsies. I chose to model my neopronouns based of the word "shriek." Here is how to do use these neopronouns!
As a sidenote: I'm not entirely sure what a "radqueer" is so like I don't want to identify with it. Idk I'm not in this to like police gender or sexuality or whatever. I have a job. This is just for fun, and I want to try it out!
~In Other News~
Good news: Today's the second day I did a covid test, and it was a different brand, too. I tested negative yesterday twice, and negative today, so I guess I just had a cold or something! I'm feeling better today.
Bad news: I ran into the man on the street this morning that kissed me on the neck last week. He kept complimenting me, again, and went as far as to follow into the store I went into the buy the test. Luckily there was a guard at the door, and I was able to hide in the store for a hot minute until he left. I need to get pepperspray. I hope this doesn't escelate. I really, really don't want to deal with cops.